EXAMPLE 1 :
ESSAY RECEIVED : NEAR JOBLESS GROWTH IN INDIA : AN ANOMALY OR OUTCOME OF ECONOMIC REFORMS ?
OUR REVIEW :
Marks : 45 out of 125
Through the content of essay, it can be inferred that, you have more than enough knowledge to write essays which are very good according to UPSC standard
But there are several issues with this essay which has lead to low marks.
Introduction could have been much better, you have started the essay with theme of 12th 5year plan, then you abruptly shifted to jobless growth, either you should have written more/ expanded first line, so as to give a positive start and then move on to major issue, showcasing how things were meant to be positive but are becoming negative, this is major theme of essay
Or you could have simply started with jobless growth and given some statistics, this would have made your content coherent, the way you have written your intro, it seems broken
Most important issue with your essay is improper structuring and flow of content :
Ideal structure should have been like this :
Intro, as explained above
Main Body :
How jobless growth is an anomaly
How it is outcome of economic reforms
Issues are : your main body content is not coherent, you have written some suggestions earlier on in essay, and written about implications before the main theme of essay.
Even your main theme content and their subheadings are not appropriately written and structured, for example,
You have written subheading according to sectors of economy i.e. agri, mfg etc
rather you should have written through themes of essay, first it should have been about anomaly, then economic reforms
The way you have written, it has broken the content, you have written anomaly in agri related paragraphs, then you started writing about economic reforms dimensions in mfg and service related paragraphs, then again anomaly dimension in formalization/ informalization paragraphs
So content according to demands of the essay is not coherent, the content required is same as what you have written, but not written coherently and under proper subheadings
Other issues are that : you have underlined too much, if you do this in actual exam, expect to lose lot of marks
and final issue with your essay is that you should have written a proper separate conclusion and not an extension to suggestions paragraph, an ideal conclusion should be a separate paragraph in itself, summarizing everything, with a positive and futuristic outlook, it should not discuss anything new.
Take not of above mentioned issues and work on improving them.
Hope to get much better essays from you in future.
EXAMPLE 2 :
Essay Received : Consistent Degradation Of Indian Political System
OUR REVIEW :
Marks 65 out of 125
Positives of your essay :
Good structuring, easy to read paragraphs
keywords and sentences appropriately underlined
used quotations well, both in the beginning and in the paragraph
you have adequately mentioned recent events and examples
given historical perspective
Average Introduction and conclusion
you have written more about historical perspective than required
less suggestions, positives content
You could have easily scored 75 + by incorporating the following suggestions :
Write intro in one para just after the quote, you have written in several small paragraph,
Though historical perspective in necessary, you should limit it a bit, it was more than required, you could have summed up period from Gupta Age to pre british era as that period has almost same characteristics
Now the most important thing to score good marks in UPSC :
After writing about degradation of parliamentary system and some positives like you have done, you should write some suggestions also, in 2-3 paragraph before concluding the essay, for example you could have written about reservation to women, changes in privileges of parliamentarians, improvement in anti defection law, etc
Remember, when ever you are writing an essay or any gs answer in UPSC, you are writing to become a bureaucrat, whether IAS, IPS or whatever your preference is, what ever you write, write through a future administrator’s perspective, you should not just know only positives and negative but are also required to suggest solutions to problems, in short, you have to show to the examiner that you are have bureaucratic bend of mind and are suitable to become an IAS, IPS.
EXAMPLE 3 :
Essay Received : Our Cultivators In Crisis : Increasing Suicides Among Indian FarmersIAS Network Cultivators in crisis
OUR REVIEW :
Marks : 65 out of 125
Your introduction is very good, quote was excellent
main content of body is good, comprehensive
you have provided a way forward, good suggestions
conclusion is also good
However there are issues with your presentation, with your writing style, otherwise you would have definitely scored 75 + with same content
Don’t write subheadings in the boxes, simple write the content and just underline main ideas, evaluators understands what you are writing about, even if you want to write a subheading, write it in a simple clear way, don’t make boxes etc.
In many paragraphs you have made arrows in the beginning, just as we write in point format, don’t do this, you are writing an essay so give it a feel of essay not a GS answer, just write whatever you want in small paragraphs, depending on the evaluator you can lose lot of marks, why take chances ?
Similar with suggestions part of your essay, think of your essay as your resume, you are showcasing your abilities through your essay, examiner is not interested what committee suggestion do your remember, you should have written suggestions as if it were your own and in the end give a passing reference to committees. For example after writing about issues, you could have written a small paragraph giving a hint that you are now discussing solutions, the write solutions in appropriate paragraph, it should seem that these suggestions are your own, don’t mention committees first, just give them reference in the last, showing to the examiner that what you have written is also seconded by major committees.
Also historical perspective was more than required.
Your essay writing skills ( which any one can infer through the way you have written your introduction and conclusion ) are good, you have ample content to write 75+ marks scoring essay.
Just take care of your presentation.
Send us more essay, so that we can point out any other issue with your writing style.
EXAMPLE 4 :
Essay Reviewed : Destiny Of A Nation Is Shaped By Its ClassroomEssay
OUR REVIEW :
Marks : 40 out of 125
Don’t want to disrespect, but it seems that you have just started writing essay for UPSC, and this is one of the first essays
There are several issues with your essay :
Improper quote : The essay topic specifically mention ” Nation ” and not world, but you quote is regarding world peace, it seems out of context to the topic, a quote with education and development of nation in it would have been ideal
Structuring of content is not proper, for example : second paragraph of your essay is about positives of education, but just after that you have written about Osama Bin Laden, write all positives together and all negatives together, there are other paragraphs further in your essay, among which one is positive in content and the very next negative, don’t do this, there should be proper flow, if you want to write all positive first, then write them, if you want to point out issues, write them together, don’t mix
You seems to have misjudged the context of essay : in the topic of essay, the word classroom means education as a whole, but many paragraph of your essay focuses on classroom aspect and not education as a whole, you shouldn’t have written about classroom at all.
Content of essay in respect to ” education ” is less than required, you have just touched positives of education in second paragraph, but haven;t written properly on each dimension, you should have written separate paragraphs on positive effects of education, for example, you could have written about education leading to more law abiding citizen, better elections of political representatives, gender equality, environment conservation etc
The Structuring of your essay as per demand of UPSC should have been like this :
A quote and a good introduction expanding the quote and mentioning general relevance of education
Then several paragraphs, about how education can benefit positively as mentioned above
then issues/ deficiencies in present system of education
then suggestions for improvement
then concluding on a positive note